"The Date of your Life"

A good relationship starts with a simple conversation – “hello, how are you, what’s your name” – and ends with a long one. A prominent philosopher even went so far as to say that marriage itself is sustained by “a long conversation.” Nothing else, he opined, is so important. One can think of many reasons why two people would wish to share their time together, but certainly it is that most basic of human activities - talking - which best explains the success of most well-founded relationships.

Therefore, since it is quite obvious to me - and a least one philosopher - that our relational happiness owes so much to conversation, I deem it imperative, also, that we start our relationships with a good foundation or, in other words, we do everything we can to make sure that the first conversation is a particularly memorable and engaging one. This is especially the case when you're single, and about to venture out on the proverbial "date of your life," , the make or break date, the occassion when you’re on the cusp of discovering if the one you’ve had an infatuation for is inclined to feel the same about you once you have "wined and dined" her. Such an evening could be life-changing or it could be as bland and forgetable as an average cup of filling-station coffee. Blah!!! It could also be any number of outcomes in between. However, if you accomplish your romantic inclination by sufficiently impressing her, there is sure to be a next time on your star-crossed horizon. If you fail, then as long as you've been a gentleman, you may take comfort in her allowing you to save face when at the end of the night she tactfully terminates your engagement by saying “sure, I’ll call you sometime.”

It’s that difference between “some” time and “next” time that is truly at stake. The latter is a guarantee, an indication of your success, the former is merely a nice way of saying “get lost.” How did this date go so abysmally, and what, please tell, can be done to prevent a similar outcome in the future? Upon posing this question to several of my friends and colleagues, I got a wide array of responses. Some of them suggested there is no way to prevent it. Dating is merely chemical. Two people are destined to enjoy each other’s company regardless of the surrounding circumstances. This particular group of people – lets’ call them the “chemistry crowd” – would expect us to believe that two people can hit it off as well in a ditch, a parking lot or an airplane hanger just as easily as they could at a restaurant, social gathering, or some other venue more conducive to conversation, or rather that the preexisting chemical hormones which ignite upon their mere glancing at each other often outglows all other existing conditions and influences.

Another faction – and I’ll simply call them the “retail crowd” – have suggested to me that dating is like shopping: You simply pluck a desired mate from the cabinet shelf just as easily as you would select the right size shirt or pair of pants from the rack; for upon these shelves rest any number of suitable mates, anyone of which could have just as equally been chosen if not for some brief emotional bout or physical sensory motivation which led to the one taking preference over all the others. This philosophy of dating would suggest that nothing matters but the preconceived notion of the partner you want, that no outside interference or influences could possibly arrest your preferences and that dating is ultimately a matter of stylistic choices, of prefabricated typecasting, if you will, whereby the only people you end up dating - and wish to date - are precisely those you already set-aside in your mind for just such a purpose. There are no surprises in this kind of dating endeavor. Fad and fashion are the substitutes for real romance. In fact, conversations - even spontanaity - are hardly relevant. You’ve chosen who you wish to date because it’s what you always thought you wanted --- nothing more, nothing less.

There is, however, a third option. Actually, there are probably several others as well; but in the short space of this blog I have only the time to hone in on one more. The third group, and the one to which I adhere, is what I call the “conversational crowd.” In other words, I believe it is the conversation - the talking - that holds the key to any truly enjoyable date or any truly successful relationship. Perhaps it is because of its potent mix of spontanaity and challenge that attracts me most to this way of viewing the exercise of dating. Let's face it. At times it’s beyond bearable to communicate. It's one of the hardest things that we as human beings do. It is particularly challenging, of course, in the dating world, when you realize that, given the rigid time-contraints of 21st century courting, the one you're seeking to attract or in whom you’ve developed an interest can only give you the one, two or three date ultimatum that has become the rule of thumb in such endeavors. I mean, really, who can date or get to know anyone when their constantly obsessed with marking off the dates on thier calender.

Certainly the first date you’re liable to be nervous, the second date you're just warming up and by the time third date has arrived, if you make it that far, you’re rushed. Hence, without a little assistance, it may just end in failure. Such a cursory “getting to know each other” policy is quite frankly an insult to any real and effective approach of human bonding. Nevertheless, we do it all the same; and we will continue do it as long as the human heart is pressed for time. So impatient are we to find success immediately, to discover Mr. or Mrs. Right Now, without delay and without effort, that often we ask ourselves within the first few minutes of a conventional encounter why I should be wasting my time with this clown when there are so many other fish in the sea?

It is a question you may have often asked yourself. The answer is simple. Because he or she just may be worth it. How do I know or, better yet, how will you know? By taking the time to do it right, you may just discover that the two of you have a lot in common. To do right by the relationship, however, one must first take care to massage the circumstances in order to cultivate a better understanding. This can be done first and foremost by picking the right venue. Sure, you could take your special somebody on the most important date of your life to a “burger biggie," and – if you’re a conversational genius – you might just succeed, the two of you, sitting in the children’s play section, sucking on a coke and devouring french fries together. On the other hand, such an outlet is unlikely to lead to very many conversational setpieces, as I like to call them; and without these, I fear, a conversation can go hurly-burly, careening off course and into oblivion, lest there is something to check and monitor its pace and direction. And when the conversation fails – mark my words – so does the relationship - and so does the date!

There is a surefire way to avoid such a disaster. In order to keep the conversation on course, my suggestion is that you that you tether it firmly to the atmospehre you wish to duplicate. By choosing a restaruant that serves its meals in courses, you tether it to the serenade of an exceedingly fine restaurant. I also think it's a good idea to choose a restaruant where each beverage you consume comes in its own special and unique glassware and where the coffee is directly served from the bean rather than the grounds. It further helps to choose a restaurant that boasts a service staff as refined as the mood of the evening you wish to evoke. Remember the more relaxed you are in your surroundings, the more relaxed you will be in conversation. Contrary to what many expect, it is in fact those restaurants offering the most uncompromising standards of service that by their very inflexibility lead to the most relaxed atmosphere. Think about it. You don’t have to do anything. Even the napkin, if you so choose, can be placed in your lap. Of course, price and location are always considerations; but these distractions should not preclude your making the right decision about a venue on the most important date of your life.

Rather you should wisely decide and forgo minor concerns for the much larger one of ambience. You can have a conversation just about anywhere; but can you have it as well as a you might where it is staged in such a manner that the courses of food, like setpieces for a dramatic series of acts, arrive at choreographed moments and at just the right intervals for your conversation to blossom and develop? The First Course (often called the Starter) supervenes just in time to arrest the lull and discomfort that can begin to creep into many pre-meal conversations once the initial introductions are over; the Second Course, impeccably timed, succeeds in displacing the 'blah, blah, blah' of typical back and forth banter with the brand new and suggestive conversational nuance that arrives once the appetizer has been replaced by something more substantial; then, an intermezzo, graciously permitting you to segue your conversation into something more appropriate to the sprightly little dish that is placed before you; next, and in the nick of time, the third course arrives, just as the obligatory, rote-recitation of one's career and hobby highlights have grown stale and are mercifully abandoned in the presence of the “Main Course.”

Here is where the real conversation begins. Both have loosened up; both have finished their first glass of wine; and both are having a good time. The first date jitters, now vanished from your demeanor as quickly and easily as the first course of food vanished from your plate, has given way to real, substantive dialogue. The fears about "what you would say, what she would think and what you would do" are no longer present to intimidate you. That firmly ensconced rule of dating etiquette, which says that a man must simultaneously wear the façade of a gentleman, while also sporting a slightly suggestive, charismatic and wanton air of danger is brushed aside for the real “devil-may-care” confidence that casually develops when two people are having a genuine, good time.


Finally, the dessert arrives just as the conversation soars. Perhaps the heavier and thoughtful morsels of conversation which accompanied the entree are now provided plumage, able to fly freely in the ethereal sentiment of the final course, traded in for the light hearted indulgences that a more comfortable and familiar relationship brings. One dessert, shared in unison, with two forks and a napkin effectively shrinks the table barrier separating the pair before to only a small and inconsequential nuisance, hardly detectable, between the connection that has inevitably settled into the couple's palette as well as their conversation. Laughing, smiling, cooing together at the divinely, delicious taste of the dish they share - there is little reason to doubt that the last course has put a triumphant capstone on an evening well spent. There will definitely be a "next" time.

For many the dating ritual is largely inexplicable, with conversational potholes and quicksand lurking beneath every phrase you utter. Moreover, to those who are playing it, the dating game can be perfectly incomprehensible, particularly when it comes to the conversation which is bound to inhabit such a large part of it. What ever are you supposed to talk about? This is left unanswered; but it doesn't have to be when the server arrives, carrying the food in his heroic arms, causing you to remember what it is exactly that you came for - the Meal! Then you have something to really talk about…as well as to share…and to remember fondly if the meal is exquisite; and hopefully, if all goes well, you will not only together have a culinary memento to cherish but also its associated memory of companionship for quite possibly the rest of your life.

So, the moral of this little blog is that if you’re going to have the “date of your life,” and the conversation to go along with it, you may as well share it with a meal. The two definitely go very well together. A great meal, in fact, is not only a good conversation starter, it can in fact turn a date around. It can hurdle it from ground zero, where nothing you say hits its intended mark, as you putter around uselessly with empty chatter and buffoonery, to somewhere far away in the furthest reaches of the conversational cosmos, where just about everything you say hits its target with unparrelled accuracy and is perceived by your date as both impressively interesting and eternally worthwhile. Here is where a meal has the potential to become a terrific pairing to the conversation. Just as the right wine is potable enough to make the finest meal taste even better, so can a meal stimulate a conversation and a conversation enhance a meal.

So which dating camp are you in? Do conversations matter? Does location? Or do you simply believe that your dating preferences are simply part and parcel of your chemistry or romantic retail decisions? For my part I always prefer to think of a successful date as a conversational possibility. I don’t know if anything feels right until it sounds right. I know further that, if given the right inspiration, and provided with the right amount of atmosphere and coaxing, a successful date is more than the byproduct of a few preexisting factors. It’s not just chemistry or retail; rather it is all of the elements that combine to bring two people closer together, perhaps prodded along by their time spent comfortably together over a fantastic meal, at a restaurant or at home, sharing a bottle of a wine, and enjoying a mutually stimulating conversation.

The right meal, prepared remarkably with sufficient care and superb skill, arriving incrementally at just the right moment, comes not only with the tacit complicity of ensuring the couple's wonderful night, but it can rally a conversation and salvage a waning night. When the right venue is selected, it can take what may otherwise have been a so-so evening and transform it into an immense pleasure, replete with consipiratorial delights. Everyone and everything is implicated in the bliss - The Chef, the server, the ambience, the lighting, the music and, of course, the conversation. Did the colluding elements conspire beforehand to organize exactly how this evening would unfold. It sure seems so. Such is the fortune of he who favors the right restaurant to host "the date of your life."